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Attack El Robot! Attack!

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Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot.  Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot.  Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot.  Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot.  Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot. Dick Clark is an evil robot.

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Both Sides of the Brain

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Well, I hope you all had the bestest Christmas everest! I myself am experiencing a rather disturbing case of "hey, didn't these pants used to fit?" But I'll get over it.

Shopping on Christmas Eve was not at all difficult. i met my mom downtown and bought her crack for lunch, which she unequivocally deserved after standing in an unreasonably long line at Old Navy to pick up a gift certificate I intended to give on Christmas.

I have an active contempt of Old Navy and that State St. store particularly. I find it so discouraging to see the countless number of shoppers who squeeze themselves into interminable lines that snake between cursory metal and nylon barriers, clutching the unstylish clothing that is offered to them as de rigueur.

Anyway, I was so thoroughly enthralled in the spirit of giving, that over the weekend I decided to give myself an iPod as I had earlier intimated I might. I also acquired an FM transmitter that allows me to listen to my iPod in the car, which was a central issue for me.

So now I am yet another step closer to a brain tumor. "Wtf?" You say? Well, for those of you not scoring at home, I now employ the following technologies: wireless internet, a wireless phone and a radio transmitter that is about eight inches from my head while I'm driving.

Please schedule me for a CAT scan. What the hell, I don't care. I've got health insurance.

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Santa Claus, Go Straight to the Ghetto

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I have shopping to do. But I don't mind. I like having definitive Christmas related activities scheduled for Christmas Eve.

I have compiled a small collection of Christmas music featuring the James Brown classic from which this post takes its title, also Urban Therapy's favorite Christmas song, "This Christmas" sung by Donny Hathaway and my favorite holiday song at the moment, "Father Christmas" by The Kinks which contains the chorus: "Father Christmas, give us some money! Don't mess around with those silly toys, we'll beat you up if you don't hand it over, give all the toys to the little rich boys."

That was a long sentence.

Well, have yourself a merry little Christmas.
I'll be looking under the tree for that Lexus with a bow on it tomorrow and I'm sure you will be too.

Unless, of course you're Jewish.
In which case, may you find your Lexus under the Menorah.

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Fleur de Lys

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This is why America is better than France and is the best damn country in the world, dammit!

Alright, now that that's out of the way, I've been reading the transcript from the President's big post capture Tv interview last week.
Now, I have heard it suggested that American political satire is in decline. Perhaps this is true. After all, we have a government that is satire incarnate.

Once again, I offer you the poetry of Donald Rumsfeld as evidence of this.

But, if you would like further evidence, consider this exchange from the ABC interview with Diane Sawyer:

D.S.
"But let me try to ask...Vice President Cheney said there is no doubt, Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction... But stated as a hard fact, that there were weapons of mass destruction as opposed to the possibility that he could move to acquire those weapons..."

G.W.B.
"So what's the difference?"

Tell me, how could it be possible to satirize a man who doesn't believe there is a substantive difference between something that exists in fact and something that could potentially exist in the future.

I could, potentially, be a woman.
But I am not.
I think those two conditions are significantly different. But, maybe I'm wrong.

Also, there is some speculation that Saddam Hussein was not hiding when he was captured, but actually being held prisoner in exchange for the $25m. reward.

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Scrooged

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Please don't feel left out if you find that you have not made my Christmas card list this year. I don't have a Christmas card list. I don't even have Christmas cards. I have come to the realization that what Christmas means to me, alpha charlie bravo, 4th grade, is the imposition of a series of unwanted obligations which, like all obligations, are to be carefully avoided.

Today is December 19th and I have accomplished no holiday related tasks.
I have done no shopping, no decorating, no holiday greeting or holiday themed cooking, no mix cd of holiday MP3's; and I have yet to develop any significant interest in these activities. I may very well find myself on Christmas Eve scavenging for gifts and not being able to acquire what I really wanted to give because I have not taken full advantage of the market and technology.

Well, perhaps it is not too late for me to change my ways. Maybe I'll open my window and toss a few shillings to a boy passing by on the street and ask him to bring back a Christmas goose.

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Catch-22

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I suspect that if you turned on Fox news at the right moment yesterday, you would have seen some conservative pundit doing his best imitation of Kadeem Hardison's victory celebration in the movie "White Men Can't Jump," cabbage-patching vigorously while exclaiming "We're goin' to Sizzler, we're goin' to Sizzler!"

I guess Saddam Hussein is not a vain man. But, if you had spent the last eight months alternating postures between cab driver and frightened rabbit, you would look like Ted Kaczynski too.

It's too bad that he can't be brought before the International Criminal Court to face justice since the U.S. is opposed to it. But, still I'm looking forward to the information that will come out of the interrogations. For instance, did Saddam Hussein and Michael Jackson use the same interior decorator? Finally, we may be able to learn the truth.

However, that may take a while. It's been two years since the height of fighting in Afghanistan and those prisoners are still being interrogated in Guantanamo. There must be quite an interrogatory waiting list, but I'm sure some strings can be pulled.

Well, that was a nice diversion. Does this mean the war is over again?

Captured! Can you believe it? ...A feather in the cap of El Arbustito. Now let me ask you, if you were the man most wanted by the most powerful nation in the history of human civilization, would you be hangin' around in your old home town in a house with a little tunnel out back that leads nowhere? Well, I guess it worked for a while.

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Tengo Frio

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Well, it's legitimately cold isn't it? Perhaps it's time to make the switch to the winter coat.

I want an iPod for Christmas and I just may acquire one for myself. But, I haven't done any of my shopping yet.

Is it a common practice for people to use the holidays as a pretense for getting themselves something they want?

What will you get yourself for this year?

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Menace II Society

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I made a stop at The Crack House on Saturday and now I'm strung out.
I thought crack wrapped in a burrito was hard core, but crack in bowl? Terroristic.

I Saw:
"The Dead" on Thursday,
the movie "Elf" on Saturday afternoon,
Rufus Wainwright in concert Saturday night.

I would tell you more about it, but if I don't get to sleep soon I won't make it through the week--especially with my withdrawl symptoms.

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Want One

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Ok, so this was a gimmicky radio show topic and I expect it will serve well as a gimmicky blog topic:

What are your favorite album opening tracks?
You know, when you put the cd in for the first time or the fiftieth time, and the first song blows you away. It has to be track one. Intros that occupy the first track disqualify the song that proceed them.

Here are some of mine in no order whatsoever:

• Once
  Pearl Jam - Ten


• That's When I Reach For My Revolver
  Mission of Burma - Signals, Calls and Marches


• Wouldn't It Be Nice
  The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds


• Blue
  The Jayhawks - Tomorrow The Green Grass


• Divine Intervention
  Matthew Sweet - Girlfriend


• Sweet is the Melody
  Iris Dement - My Life

Is that too many? You can come up with one or two of your own, can't you? What a silly exercise. Hey, it's the weekend.

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Fences

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You may have noticed that I invoked the hallowed (or is it hollow, or is it Hollywood) spirit of Ronald Reagan in my little invocation to Ariel Sharon. Well, let's discuss why.

You'll remember that during the baseball season the White Sox had some incidents with rowdy fans running onto the field, attacking umpires, coaches, players, whomever. A radio personality jokingly suggested that roadblocks be set up to prevent fans from certain areas, such as the southwest suburbs, from coming into the city to attend Sox games.

Let's say that such a plan is implemented, but there are still fans who show up at the park and run on the field, etc. So, Mayor Daley, in all his eloquent wisdom, decides to build a fence around the city to make it more "secure."

The ostensible purpose of the fence is to keep rowdy fans out of the city by forcing everyone from the suburbs to enter the city only through a handful of heavily guarded roads. (For example, closing the Stevenson except for one or two exits, closing 294 to keep people from sneaking in through the far South Side).

People living in North Shore areas start to complain about potentially being cut off from the city where they work, shop, send their kids to school and go to the doctor. So the Mayor extends the fence to include parts of the North Shore (effectively annexing Winnetka and Kenilworth and expanding Chicago's border) while cutting off Bolingbrook, Alsip, etc.

What would happen to those suburbs cut off from the city? What would happen to the people there?
This is a lot like what's happening in Israel.

From: Ha'aretz
Jerusalem's Borders are Being Redrawn

"The [separation] fence will completely change the lives of
more than 100,000 people who live in northeast
Jerusalem.

The fence planners invested a lot of thought and
creativity into drawing a winding line for the
fence that has no urban logic, cutting off the
Arab neighborhoods and the refugee camps from
the center of their lives in Jerusalem.

In effect, the city's municipal boundaries will
change because of the fence..."

If Ronald Reagan were alive today, would he say to Ariel Sharon what he once said to Mikhail Gorbachev?

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Dubliners

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My present sentiments reside thoroughly in the category of wanting to see live theater (That's an odd sentence, isn't it?), which I have not done in a considerable length of time. But, my opportunities to do so are narrow. I would like to seeJames Joyce's The Dead at The Court Theater and I would prefer to try to see it on a weekday, which leaves only this very week as a viable possibility.

Accordingly, I am extending to anyone in view of my hypertext an invitation to join me on Thursday night at The Court Theater for a performance of The Dead. If it is the case that you, the community, wish to attend but would prefer a Saturday or Sunday, I may alter my intentions, but for the moment I will pursue my theatrical caprices. Comment or email or both.

In other news, I hadn't realized how wonderful it would be to have a significant portion of my CD collection in my iTunes library. I had only converted a handful of albums until this weekend when I finally endeavored to archive about 15-20 more. It's so exciting to hear the player go from Radiohead to Prince to Iris Dement to Outkast.

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Proslogion

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Ok, so I lied. I actually spent Thanksgiving in Baghdad with the troops.
I caught up on some news last week and there's a lot to say. Far more in fact than is contained in this rambling polemical post.

Hey, how can November be the "bloodiest" period in the war when the war's been over for six months? I suppose we can create a timeline of the war and its subsequent occupation around key Presidential photo ops: Landing on an aircraft carrier to announce that major combat operations are over, Secretly flying into Baghdad to reassure everyone that it ain't over till its over.

I like how all of the administration's arguments justifying the war since its "conclusion" are ontological. This is what I call the Bush Prosologion. The Bush team regularly employs two argumentative strategies with great success:

One is the fait accompli: the Bush presidency? Inevitable. The War with Iraq? Inevitable. Tax Cuts? Inevitable.

The other is ontology: The fact that terrorism exists justifies going to war. The character, causes, sources of this terrorism are irrelevant. The fact that Iraq has a dangerous and threatening climate today justifies the actions of yesterday.

It's an outstanding argumentative trick because the logical flaws are in the presuppositions, not in the argument itself where people know to look for them. And what would you do about it anyway? Roll back the treads of time? Drop everything and leave the project incomplete and the country in chaos?

A lot of people have been stumbling on acb with the google search: chomsky charlie rose which are words that have never before appeared here together. But, I may have found what they came for, so I linked it to the left.

And finally, I leave you with this quote from a column in Ha'aretz about Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon:

"For Sharon religion is simple: Bush is God and Condoleeza Rice is his prophet."

Yes, I'm sure we all feel that way.

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Freedom From Want

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Nightline just did a segment on Norman Rockwell's painting "Freedom From Want" and its significance in American culture. When I was younger and didn't know Rockwell's work, I thought the title "Freedom From Want" was intended to be ironic.

I didn't understand "want" as meaning "lacking" in the title. I thought its meaning was "desire," as in the Buddhist maxim "Desire is the cause of all suffering." And I imagined the scene was representative of more than just one family at one meal.

So "Freedom From [Desire]" would be an ironic title for a painting that depicts an outrageously opulent meal being served to an eagerly ravenous family.

I prefer my interpretation. The title as it is makes little sense to me. The family in the painting is so far beyond the threshold of starvation, that the idea of real "want," of being in need, would have a difficult time entering into their collective consciousness. Perhaps they do need to be liberated from their desire or their greed, or simply the institutional inertia that drives them toward consumption far beyond their needs.

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Postmodern Blues

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Currently, I'm listening to Patricia Barber's album
Verse, which besides its uncommon sounds has some remarkably clever lyrics. Someone, perhaps not you or I, but someone may find themselves today experiencing a sentiment similar to that expressed in "I Could Eat Your Words:"

"I'll drink 'remorse' like a cabernet
champagne with 'indecision'
'guilt' like garlic, needs to sautee with cream, butter and wine."


And/or at the end of the holiday festivities the song "You Gotta Go Home" may echo your sensibilities:

"You've overstayed your welcome
And the thrill is really gone
You just gotta go."

I started the Green Bay Packers defense in Ghettobowl this week and I was dismayed to see them give up, well, any points to Lions in a loss (what was that about?). But, considering that my other defense, Dallas, gave up 40 to the Dolphins, (what the hell was that about?) I guess I made the right choice.

I need a nap. Then dessert.

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The Apology

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Alright, so right now I'm waiting around until it's time for me to do a little cooking myself.

Miracle on 34th street is on NBC. I've never actually watched it. Why exactly is Santa Claus on trial? Is it like when Socrates was put on trial for "corrupting the youth of Athens" and subsequently executed? Santa Claus could certainly be accused of corrupting the youth of America.

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Some Other Sucker's Parade

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Parades are such a trifle, aren't they? What do they accomplish? But, according to someone who was deamed worthy of having a microphone placed in front of him, "the band kids are the unsung heroes of high school." Um, ok. I didn't know it was that serious.

And why is Medieval Times marching in the Chicago parade? It is a startlingly anachronistic sight, let me tell you.

I went to Medieval Times once on a school field trip. They give you these silly cardboard crowns to wear during the performance. I didn't want to wear mine, so I put it down next to me. I was sitting in a front row on the end right next to the aperture where the performers entered and exited the arena on horseback. At one point, one of the performers about to exit wielded his prop lance and used it to scoop up the cardboard crown I had placed beside me. He then flung it at me and snarled, "Put on your damn hat!" Um, I didn't know it was that serious. So I placed the crown on the other side of my seat, just to raise the degree of difficulty.

I guess they're calling an end to the search. I wonder if O.J. is still looking for the real killers.

Intelligence: U.S. to Shift Some Experts From Arms to Antiterror: "Dozens of the American intelligence experts and linguists sent to Iraq to search for illicit weapons have been reassigned to an expanding effort to learn more about the insurgents attacking United States troops, senior government officials said Wednesday."

Have you ever watched this show Elimidate? Sometimes I'll see it on and think it would be fun to play along and choose between the four women contestants, but so often I would be loathe to choose any of those women; what unpleasant people.

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Simple Abundance

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I made a trip to the grocery store to procure some materials for my portion of the Thanksgiving preparations and the checkout lines extended from the cashier to the middle of the product aisles behind. All I needed was a couple of tomatoes, shallots and a bell pepper, but there's a woman in the store buying the turkey and all the acoutrements, as well as the pots and pans to cook them in. That is not at all apropriate.
If only she had discovered this and realized there is an easier way.

I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving, or whatever manner of Thanksgiving you like. Some people may prefer a more wistful holiday experience, but hey whatever works for you.
There is a lot to be thankful for, like produce. So when you sit down to enjoy your meal, remember to be thankful for produce.

From all of us here at alpha charlie bravo, have a Pensive Thanksgiving!

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Matchstick Men

---

I have about a half dozen email adresses, more or less, which can be cumbersome, but I've managed to keep them nearly spam free by allowing one of those adresses to be used for commercial or public activities and the rest for private use only.

Lately, I've been getting an especially inordinate amount of spam at the one "dumping" address. Last week I got one of those "I need to get millions of dollars out of my home country, can I put them in your bank account?" emails. Here's an excerpt:

My Name is douglas ugwu,[sic] I am an attorney... I am writing you in respect of the former first lady and wife of the late GEN. SANI ABACHA,[sic] the former head of state and commander in chief of the armed forces of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. [She] has mandated that I search for a reliable and trustworthy foreign partner, who will help receive some funds which she had in cash totaling US$55.M (Fifty Five Million United State Dollars Only)[sic]

It's quite a lengthy email with a lot of incoherent information about Mrs. Abacha's financial situation and her arrest by the current government. Now, one would think that an educated man, a lawyer, would be capable of composing a cogent email with proper grammar and appropriate capitalization... and since "douglas" is from Nigeria, english is his first language so he has no excuse. But, it's a nice touch invoking the name of Sani Abacha.

I heard somewhere about a person who, having received a similar email offer, maintained a seemingly earnest correspondence with the perpetrator for some time pretending to seek additional information.

I wrote out a response to Mr. "ugwu's" letter. I decided to decline his offer for political reasons. I doubt it will be sent, but it reads:

"I am aware of Mr. Abacha's tenure in Nigeria and I could never aid in the transfer of funds of an individual who either is in fact, or at least should be considered a criminal according to international human rights conventions. I am certainly not a supporter of the current government, but providing such assistance to Mrs. Abacha would be counter to my principles."

Ha! As if I had principles.

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Keeping The Rabble In Line

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Welcome to John Ashcroft's America:

"The Federal Bureau of Investigation has collected extensive information on the tactics, training and organization of antiwar demonstrators and has advised local law enforcement officials to report any suspicious activity at protests to its counterterrorism squads, according to interviews and a confidential bureau memorandum."

And please people, stop using your video cameras to intimidate the police.

"The memorandum discussed demonstrators' "innovative strategies," like the videotaping of arrests as a means of "intimidation" against the police. "

Read article

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Varsity Blues

---

Hey kids, it's football dichotomy time:
Northwestern did not attempt a pass in the second half of their win over Illinois. Meanwhile, I saw about half a dozen highlight plays on the news from high school football games and not one of those highlights was of a running play: all passes and one St. Rita punt return. High school football looks really easy. I don't remember it being as easy when I was in High School as it looks to me now, so I might be wrong, but I think I could suit up against the kids and dominate.

I had my first non-familial passenger a couple of days ago, and my passenger inquired of me whether I liked football. The purpose of this inquiry it seems was to ascertain some concrete evidence of my masculinity, which was apparently dubious from his point of view. I hedged on my answer. I didn't think it was fair to give an unequivocal answer (and provide evidence to support it) given the context of the question. For one thing, it is not incumbent upon me to prove or defend what may or may not be my masculinity; I'm not even interested in the issue. And secondly, my attitude about football or sports in general is not indicative of any personal characteristic. The answer to such a question is therefore entirely uninformative.

Well, anyway I have to put in my Ghettobowl lineup for this week and I'll probably have some errands to run before the Bears game this afternoon, so I should get some sleep. See, I like football.

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Soul Food

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I feel obligated to inform you that Noam Chomsky will make a rare media appearance on The Tavis Smiley Show today.

And this just in: there apparently is such a thing as a vegetarian soul food restaurant, but I can't find a link to prove it.

And Laz, this link's for you.

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Divine Comedy

---

And so therefore I did attend a live performance/taping of Schadenfreude, which was thoroughly entertaining. One of the things that makes Schadenfreude entertaining for me, is that it has a significant amount of locally derived humor. They have a character who is alderman of the fictitious 53rd ward in Chicago and various references to local people, places and events. The effect of this, I suppose, is a kind of "irony of truth." It's the comedic principle that makes people think Jerry Seinfeld's stand-up is funny--the "it's funny because it's true," effect. It's as if we, the audience, are incredulous that the real world can be spoken of openly in a humorous context and that this act in itself, constitutes a comedic event.

Digression:
Once, a few years ago I saw Jerry Seinfeld on the Charlie Rose Show and he remarked that no one really understands how comedy works. I was surprised to hear this and thought that surely there must be some scholarly volume somewhere on the theory and structure of comedy. If one doesn't exist, someone ought to write it. Since then, I've developed all kinds of ideas about how comedy actually operates, mostly having to do with language and cognition. Why it works the way it does is an even more intriguing mystery. So if anyone out there knows a linguist, a cognitive scientist, and an evolutionary psychologist, set them to work on this issue. I can help get them started.
End of Digression

Wow, that was a lengthy digression wasn't it? I'm just going to go on writing anyway. Who am I kidding? This whole blog is a digression.

So did I mention also that I won one of three shiny WBEZ lunchboxes that were raffled off following the performance/taping? I believe I was the penultimate person to enter the drawing. I possessed a slight concern that I would have to walk up toward the stage and make myself known if I did win, or worse yet become, as a result of my luck, ancillary to some comic bit. I don't mind audience participation, as long as I'm not expected to participate--I like to sit in the back and contemplate a performance. But all this unnecessary anxiety made me realize how far away I am now from being a performer--farther than I had ever intended to get. I think it's been about five years since I was last on stage (and I literally fell off that stage during a performance), but it isn't as much about time as point of view. Could I still do it? Would I feel too self-conscious and uncomfortable? I don't know. But anyway, I digress.

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I of the Mourning

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The amount of time I spend listening to the radio is disproportianate for my generation. On a day like today, I could spend as many as eight hours with the radio on. I probably wouldn't watch Tv for more than a few minutes. (I hardly ever watch Tv anymore, mostly due to my schedule.) Sometimes I download installments of The Steve Dahl Show, which are archived the day after each broadcast, since I can't hear most of the show during the day. If I fall asleep while listening to the archive file late at night, I may wake up in the middle of a conversation topic or a nonsensical commercial. TNT has been running radio ads for their basketball broadcasts that ask such metaphysical basketball questions as: "Will Shaq regain his MVP form?" "Will Duncan and the Spurs continue to reign?" I don't see why I should painstakingly scrutinize the unfolding mystery of the NBA season when all the answers to these and many other quandries can be easily discovered by reading a newspaper eight months from now. I think that's what I'll do. I'll just read the sports page in June. I've just increased my productivity!

Tonight I'm attending a taping of Schadenfreude a local public radio sketch comedy show.
No seriously, it's a local public radio sketch comedy show.

Pro: Not having to work today

Con: Having your job owe you both a check and a vacation neither of which you have received

Pro: Not having to work today

Con: Having to use the word "having" ad absurdum

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Like Trees in November

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I regret that I have lately not offered much content here. Unfortunately, I have not taken the opportunity to funnel my experience of the world into text. However, if you begin to feel restless, you can always peruse the archives. I did so myself recently and it was not an uninteresting activity. Apparently, there was a time when I actually put some effort into writing this thing.

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The Crying Game

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I really don't think it's fair, considering my situation, that I've had to drive in bad weather on consecutive nights: thick fog on Monday and rain last night.
It is also not good, when one is obligated to pay a toll on the highway, to miss the collection basket when pausing at the automatic lanes.

This apparently is the next logical step after Joe Millionaire.

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Drive My Car

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The last time I was behind the wheel of a car was in May of 1996. A friend at NU needed to pick up one of the university's vans for a dorm event and he asked me to drive his car back as he would be driving the van. I was a bit apprehensive about it because I hadn't driven at all in the year since I had received my license. However, I drove his car without any difficulty and the task was accomplished. It must have been the first time I had ever been in a moving car alone since I had always been either riding or driving with a passenger qua instructor.

On Saturday, after handing over a check and signing a number of documents, I sat alone behind the wheel of a car as I drove it off the lot of the CarMax store in Oak Lawn. Remember my apprehension in the first paragraph? Multiply it by the number of years since my foot last touched the pedals of a vehicle.

Driving is easy isn't it? It's just like riding a bicycle, or something like that.
I piloted the vehicle into the twilight and onto 95th Street, cruised along at a moderate speed and arrived home without incident; although my parking leaves something to be desired.

Having a car is such a novelty for me, I feel constantly compelled to be inside it driving somewhere, even if I have really no place to go. But even if I did have some place to go, it is not unlikely that I wouldn't know how to get there since I'm not accustumed to travelling by car.

I had perceived the necessity, made recently unavoidable, to have my own vehicle as a rather onerous burden that I would otherwise prefer not to accept. I'm not sure now that is the case, but owning a car certainly brings ordinary life a step closer in it's terrible pursuit of me. I only have a 4 cylinder engine; I don't know how long I can out run it.

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Elephant

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Want to read a scary story? Read this...

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The Way the Wind Blew

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Is it the case that the weather is warming just as I was beginning to feel compelled to purchase an unreasonably expensive sweater in order to contend with the climate?
What cruelty! Well, at least my house isn't on fire.

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I Don't Wanna Grow Up

---

I think I made a girl quit at work today. We'll see, maybe she'll come back. Too bad it wasn't the one I want to quit. I should learn to use my powers of occupational incompetence for good and not evil.

I went to Amazon.com and there was a letter from Jeff Bezos announcing that now amazon can be searched by words or content of a book. You'll notice, won't you, that all of my blog titles are authentic titles of songs, albums, books, movies, etc. that are intended to relate in some way to the blog topic. I often go to amazon and enter a search just to ruminate over a title to apply here. I entered a very general term: "birthday." Now instead of a few titles that I probably wouldn't use anyway, I get 32,000 results. I cannot, in any way, use 32,000 results. Thanks, Jeff Bezos.

As you can see I ultimately settled on the title of the classic Tom Waits song, which is topical because yesterday was my birthday. I was pleased that it transpired without hardly any mention or notice (until now), except for an unexpected email from an unlikely source and a drink with a colleague after work. We stopped at the bar of a Bennigan's of all places and I was offered a drink called a "lunchbox" with which I was, not surprisingly, unfamiliar. The barista was similarly befuddled, but accepted direction on assembling the drink. It's simply beer with orange juice and a shot (or double shot) of amaretto. It may not sound like a good idea, I was dubious myself, but it's actually quite a pleasant combination.

Denouement
Someone reflecting on his own condition said to me recently, "It doesn't pay to get old."
My response was, "Well, you only have two choices."
"What's that?," he said.
"You either grow old, or you die young," I replied.
I'm not sure which choice is better, actually.

"But, I have promises to keep. And miles to go before I sleep..."

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Mystery White Boy

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Go Brock Forsey!

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Ill Communication

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Yes I know, I know. You had something witty, poignant or downright profound to say about one or both of the posts below, but you were unexpectedly thwarted by the apparent expiration of my free Squawkbox commenting account. Well, I don't know yet how I'm going to resolve this issue. But, you can always email me any and all comments you would otherwise share and I'll post them like back in the days of origin.

>>>>UPDATE<<<<

Comments are back. All hail haloscan. Unfortunately, I could not recover the months of comments submitted through Squawkbox, so there they go, into the dustbin of history.

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Kitchen Confidential

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This article in the NY Times caught my eye because risotto is one of my favorite dishes to make. A basic risotto recipe is easy to implement and extremely versatile. The hardest part, for me, is getting the texture right. The only risotto I've ever had actually, has been made by own hands, so I hope I'm not making some alien dish that would be unrecognizable to anyone else.

I have acquired a cut on the palm of my left hand. It's just a little deeper than a paper cut--one of those shallow cuts whose stinging pain is inversely proportional to it's severity. It's left a long red mark on the palm of my hand, which I don't mind so much because now I can go around claiming to have the Stigmata.

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Me Against the World

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Apparently, the NRA has a lot of work to do.

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Oh What A World

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Hey, how come no one told me that Rufus Wainwright released an album in September? I had to walk into Rock Records yesterday to find out. Who's got my back out there? Who's got my musical back?

One of these days we will have to discuss the theory of suboptimization, but for now, check out my banner ad. Blogger is digging deep for relevant content--I haven't written about Pinochet in over a month. Hey, how many blogs can claim a post about Pinochet in the last month? Take that, everybody who doesn't blog about political history!

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Heartbreaker

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Well, I'm glad that's over. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse can stable their steeds again-- there will be no Cub Series. I'm quite pleased. Andy wrote about how he was "happy to be a part of it," watching game 6 on Tuesday. Since I could not find a way to be a part of it, I wanted it to not happen. Now, happily, I am relieved of the circumstance that engendered that bout of unmitigated selfishness.
Now, two remaining issues to discuss:

1)When will the infamous fan of game six be turned over to the D.O.D. and shipped out to Guantanamo with the rest of the "bad people"?

2)What is the deal with journalists writing about curses on sports teams as if such metaphysical ridiculosities were fait accompli? Why do people write about these things as if they exist in actual fact? Sure, it's fun to say: "the Cubs/Red Sox are cursed," but i've seen these things written about as if a long dead, fat, lush of an ex-pitcher can actually cause an entire franchise to lose, or that an immigrant and his mangy goat can command fate.

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Good Fortune

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Go, Marlins.

Go, anti-Jeffery Maier.

Hmm... "Good Fortune" I think I'll listen to that song now... I love iTunes...
Alright, quiz time. What artist am I listening to right now? The song is "Good Fortune." And let's give someone else a chance to answer or google search, whatever the case may be.

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Bandwagonesque

---

Hopefully, this will be the last time I mention the Cubs here, because I've grown weary of seeing that add for playoff tix at the top.

I am, fundamentally, a Sox fan. However, I harbor no animosity toward the Cubs. Essentially, when the Cubs win, I'm happy; when the Cubs lose, I'm still happy. Seeing the Cubs scrape their way into the playoffs in 1998 was as much fun for me as watching them go 0-14 to start the next season.

During the last couple of months of this baseball season, I began to fall out of touch with both teams. So now, here we are in the midst of this Cub playoff frenzy, and I cannot find it within myself to really care. I've tried, I just don't care.

I started following baseball in 1988, both the Sox and Cubs. I've been watching Cubs baseball for 15 years. I've paid my dues. But this really isn't the same Cub team whose fortunes or misfortunes I looked forward to at the beginning of the season and rooting for this team now makes me feel like a bandwagoneer (as so many others are). I wanted to root for Corey Patterson not Kenny Lofton, Hee Sop Choi not Randall "Sausage Killer" Simon. Does anyone even remember Mark Bellhorn?

Anyway the point is, I'm officially rooting against the Cubs, as futile an effort as that may be, because I don't want the Cubs to win the World Series while I'm not paying attention after having abdicated what should have been my seat on the bandwagon.

Also,
something has got to give. I've said this many times before, but now it's getting serious: this town ain't big enough for both Dick Pole and Dick Johnson.

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Demolition Man

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Oh sure, gang up on the new guy.

Also,
I can imagine that casting your recall ballot for Arnold might seem like a fun idea, kind of like voting for Evil Dave Sheldon, but don't you think there would be a little buyer's remorse? But, I'm sure all of California's problems will be solved when the debt-ridden Federal Government that won't even fully fund its own Homeland Security mandates pumps in billions of dollars to shore up the state's economy.

Speaking of which,
I didn't really follow the recall much, nor anything else having to do with the outside world, but tell me if you think this candidate platform was serious or satire.

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Drive My Car

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Support the Patriot Tax! Of course, I don't have a car, so I wouldn't be directly impacted--I'm in favor of taxes that don't affect me.

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All the President's Men

---

I managed to catch intermittent glimpses of the NLDS featuring the Cubs and Braves Saturday and I heard the Tv broadcasters talking the friendship between former Texas Ranger and current Atlanta Brave Julio Franco and the President George W. Bush. It was said the two are so close, Julio Franco has a number to call the White House to speak to George and that the Bush family attended his wedding; including GW's parents and twin daughters.
Two Questions:
1)Who do you think would win in a drinking contest: the Bush twins or the Hilton sisters?
2)Do you think the White House used Julio Franco to leak the classified information that Amb. Joe Wilson's wife is a CIA agent? Julio Franco is deep throat!

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Higher Learning

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In spite of the fact that I was hired over a month ago for the position, I, due to the delays of institutional bureaucracy, will not begin my reign of terror as an accounting tutor for one of the City Colleges of Chicago until next week.
Didn't know I was an accounting whiz did ya? Ok, I'm not. However, I did apply exclusively for the position, which post hoc, ergo propter hoc makes me exclusively qualified for the position. From what I understand, the position requires me to sit in a room for five hours and do nothing; which I would happily do anyway at home, without pay. Eventually, I hope to work out an arrangement whereby I actually just stay home. Such an arrangement would be so much more convenient for me and hassle free for my employer. In any case, I am proud to join the ranks of the noble educators who, through generous and altruistic endeavors spread learning to the supple minds of America.

Here is a sample topic from my internal discourse: a little earlier, I was considering the relationship between the Tenacious D song "Tribute" and the painting The Flaying of Marsyas by the Italian Renaissance painter Titian. There is one, you know. By the way, and I've been wanting to mention this for a while, have you ever noticed that Frank Lloyd Wright's furniture looks a lot like Mies van der Rohe's buildings? Alright. I'm done now.

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Lapis Lazuli

---

This is not the first time I've admitted this possibility, nor am I the first to seriously suggest this, but: listen carefully, i'm going to whisper: shhh.... the Cubs could win the World Series. shhh... I don't know how to feel about that really. Oh, well I'll probably miss all the games anyway like I missed tonight's. "And what rough beast, it's hour come round at last, slouches toward [Wrigley Field] to be born?"

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Broadcast News

---

Can you believe the Bears scored 23 points? 23 points! Woohoo!
I come home and turn on the Tv to see Channel 7's Cheryl Burton talk about how disappointing it is for the Bears to lose on this occaision. "But," she says "you were here, you'll have the memories." Considering that I'm watching the post-game five minutes after the game ends, I probably wasn't there, Cheryl. Probably.
And after about 8 minutes of Bears "team coverage" on the ABC 7 "news" they say, "Well, let's take a break from the Bears and move on to other news. When we come back we'll tell you how you can get Cubs playoff tickets." Um... did we run out of real news today? Was the post-war in Iraq suspended due to circumstances in the sporting world? The mideast crisis? Political and economic turmoil all over the world? Local crime? Come on, you don't have a fatal shooting or fire or something to put in the first half of your newscast?

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I Saw The Figure 5 in Gold

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Have I mentioned that now that I have a Power Mac G5 and an unexpectedly fast DSL connection I no longer have need of the following:

• Sleep


• Food


• Public Library Computers


• Love

Now, I've been on the internet before. I've been on the internet a lot. I invented the internet. No, wait that was DARPA. But, anyway the internet is not at all unfamiliar to me. But, when I connected for the first time with my own Gucci machine to my own high speed connection, I felt some sort of new power. To paraphrase Homer Simpson: "Like God must feel, when he connects to the internet." What more then do I need besides a twisted pair cable and my silver machine.

We still have a bit of catching up to do, you, you, you and me. But for now I have repaired the interface you'll notice. Still the same template, but a little neater. It feels good to throw away old code. But I still can't see the links. Mouse over here.See what I mean? Invisible links.

And I'm serious about being able to redeem points from useless acb trivia for a prize. What prize and when it will be awarded, I have yet to determine. But, play! I'll try to make them not so easily googleable. This one's easy though: Who originally saw the "figure 5 in gold" and where did he see it? No one's answered the previous question correctly yet either, so it's still open.

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Everything In It's Right Place

---

Originally, I was posting this as a comment on Urban Therapy, but it was getting long and hey, if I'm going to throw a bunch of text into the data stream I might as well use my own space.
Every year, about a week into September, I think to myself "hey, isn't Troy's birthday coming up, the 18th or 21st or something? I should probably try to find out so I can send him a card or something." Of course, one week later, I've forgotten all about it... and so the ritual continues. My own birthday is fast approaching, but there will probably not be antother mention of it here (unless I decide to sponsor an event; which i've considered. Perhaps a small shindig downtown on an October weekend.) But I generally would just as soon ignore my own birthday. What am I supposed to do anyway? Celebrate myself and glorify my ego? That's why I have a blog. I like Troy's introspective approach, though. I try to be introspective every day, but my introspection is remarkably unproductive.

Speaking of which, it's time to be introspective about this blog. It's sloppy and inconsistent. Not to mention incoherent, incomprehensible, inchoate... does it show that I've only slept four out of the last forty-eight hours?

By the way, bonus points if you can name the Radiohead song the quote at the left is from. Impress your friends! Redeem your points at the end of the year for fabulous prizes! More chances to win coming soon!

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Ok Computer

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Presently, I am at The Apple Store trying to refine my technological approach to the world. Accordingly, a new era of alpha charlie bravo is nigh. I'm taking suggestions on what to name the disk on my new G5. Please advise. If the comments aren't working just email.


End Transmission

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Death and the Maiden

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It is worth noting that today is the 30th Anniversary of the coup in Chile wherein the democratically elected government of Salvador Allende was overthrown by Augusto Pinochet et al, with the assistance of the CIA. Allende supporters (a few Americans among them) were forced into a soccer stadium and executed. The coup resulted in two decades of repressive dictatorship.

I can tell you that the remembrance of 9/11 always, unequivocally, makes me sad. But what can bring me to the threshold of despair is remembering how much more pointless human suffering occurs in the world everyday; and a significant amount of it with the cooperation or complicity of our own country.
Palestine and Colombia are just two of the most prominent venues in an inexhaustable list of currently suffering peoples. It's not just America on one day, in one year; it is all of humanity that suffers unimaginable tragedy every day.

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Thus Spake Zarathustra

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I can't stay. But, I thought I'd pop in to let you know that I have acquired a computer. A PowerMac G5 1.6 GHz.
Of course, it's a bit of a complication that I do not yet have home internet access, not to mention a monitor to attach to the CPU, but one thing at a time.

And now... an alpha charlie bravo instant anecdote:
As I'm typing the above paragraph, guy next to me in this computer lab says,
"Can I ask you a question? Who was that guy that sailed from England and discovered America, supposedly."
"You mean Columbus?" I say.
"Yeah, thanks."

Go Public Education!

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All Kinds of Time

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Is it really necessary for the NFL to kick-off their season with Britney Spears and who knows what other ranting, screaming, gyrating musical act with pyrotechnics?


Bears Offensive Coordinator John Shoop had an interview a few weeks ago in which he revealed some interesting information about quarterback Kordell Stewart:

1. Kordell Stewart has a "startling naked fake"
2. Kordell can "block a man and a half"

Certainly there is nothing more startling than a naked man and a half whom you must either block or fake to complete a successful play.

Yes, this is a meager post, but substance is not yet entirely absent from my cognitive process... I just need time.

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A Quick One While He's Away

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Okay, so not only am I vain, but i'm also lazy. This space has been vacant partly due to the fact that I've been undergoing a process of corporate indoctrination, which can be quite time consuming (I'll have something to say about that later), and partly because I simply refuse to roll out of bed at eight in the morning to find a computer to use at the library. But, September I know, will be better.
I'm actually planning on buying my own computer soon (imagine that!), but whether I'll have internet access right away is an open question.

Also of course, the Urban Therapy Wedding and Post-Prom Party were delightful and it was wonderful to see people I hadn't seen in some time and to meet those I had heretofore only heard of in legend.

Thanks for visiting alpha charlie bravo. I hope to overwhelm you all with prolix prose soon.

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Failer

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What I lack in style, I make up for in vanity. Which explains why, if you encounter me, I may well be attired in some unreasonably priced article of clothing.
I visited a Target store last Sunday which is for me, unlike the rest of human civilization, an unlikely event. I walked around the men's clothing section and saw modestly priced pants and shirts which I could certainly use to supplement my wardrobe-- I nearly made a purchase. But the reason I don't like to buy clothes at a place like Target is because once I get them home and put them on, I'll look at myself and wonder, "Don't I have anything better than this to wear?"

Tomorrow Bob Uecker will be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Uecker once issued a "Play me or trade me" ultimatum to team management, which must have been a shock coming from one of the worst players to put on a Major League uniform. He also enjoys the notoriety of starring in one of the worst sitcoms ever to air on television. Congratulations! Failure is its own reward, I always say.

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Electric Circus

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I don't believe that I have ever seen a man make as many facial contortions during the course of a press conference as one accused Kobe Bean Bryant did yesterday. It was as if he smelled something awful, then suddenly tasted something sour, then pondered some incomprehensible mystery, then hummed a tune, then smelled something awful again and just couldn't get that sour taste out of his mouth.

Doo doo doodoo doodoo doo doo doo doo...
What's that? Could it be the Kobe Bryant trial media circus pulling into town?

Let's see how many Tv legal experts can fit into a Vw beetle!

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Sunken Treasure

---

I have decided that I want a boat.
I went jogging yesterday and discovered, rather to my surprise, that I am not completely out of shape. I run the clay track that winds through Palmer Park, the total distance of which I can only guess at, but I figure it's about a mile, more or less. Whatever the distance, I completed it and felt pretty good and suddenly ambitious, so I kept running. The clay always feels a little softer after a rain, and I love the "track crunchcrunch" sound the rhythm of my steps makes. In spite of inhaling a mosquito along the way, I completed a second tour without interruption. Even my legs, which are usually aching after the first half mile, held up for the entire distance. But, when I turned off the track and onto the pavement, my legs took on the physical quality of a gelatin dessert, causing my steps to be unstable. "Whoa, steady." I urged them, "Raise the mast! Or some other such nautical expression. Mark Twain!"

It was at this moment that I found myself enchanted with the idea of sailing. Maybe the practice of it wouldn't really interest me at all, but the idea... The skill of the sailor, the grace of the sail as it catches the wind, the romanticism of the open sea or lake or any body of water not contained within concrete walls. A little quiet, a little blue, a little wind. A little sailboat just a little ways out from the harbor... It seems like a nice idea.

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The Fire Next Time

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Initially, I was intrigued by the idea of a Carson Daly roast, but I must have misunderstood the concept of a roast. I was expecting something more along the lines of a burning at the stake. Oh, well.

I really don't have anything to say, I just thought I would fill some empty space with text, create more empty space around it, and section it off with a horizontal rule.

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The Name of the Rose

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What do you do with the scraps of soap that are left after the bar is no longer sufficiently robust to clean effectively? I found myself this morning with elongated wafers of three Yardley soaps: Oatmeal & Almond, Cucumber & Aloe and English Lavender, each of which I had used until they were translucent discs. The English Lavender, which has so potent a scent that when I wash my face with it at night, I can smell my own face, was itself only employed as a last resort; and I was left with no other recourse but to, by the sheer force of my bare hands, combine these three scraps into a single soapy mass-- the most powerful bar of soap imaginable!

Later I noticed a promo for Monday's NBC Nightly News that Brian Williams will have an exclusive! interview with former President Gerald Ford. It made me wonder: is there a generation for whom the Presidency of Gerald Ford was a defining moment? I mean, without hitching his wagon of destiny to Nixon? If you were born in the 80's or late 70's, the Clinton Presidency is probably most ascendent in your consciousness. Or perhaps if you were born in the 60's or early 70's the Reagan years define your generation. But what about Gerald Ford? Does he slip through the generational cracks? I wonder whether it was wierd to have a guy named Gerald as President. Don't they yank the line of succession out from under you with an equivocal name like that?

"Oh sorry, Gerald. That's a good name for a V.P. but it just won't do for Commander in Chief. We're swearing in Spiro in the morning."

But then, what's in a Presidential name, really? We've had a Rutherford, a Woodrow, a Chester and a Grover. Where did Grover Cleveland come from anyway? Was he the Muppet Governor of Ohio?

Debate Moderator:"Tell us Gov. Cleveland, why you think you are qualified to be President of the United States."

Muppet Governor: (R-OH): "What makes me qualified for the highest office in the land is that I am both cute and furry." (raucous applause)

Moderator: "Senator Byrd, do you have a rebuttal?"

Which reminds me, if you happen to see Terminator 3 this weekend or at anytime in the near future, turn to the person next to you, aquaintance or stranger, and say, "This guy wants to be Governor of California?"

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Firecracker

---

Just imagine how much quieter the 4th of July would be without the Chinese.

I'm going to give you a much needed break from my political commentary, but check this interview of the author of the article Supremacy by Stealth in the Atlantic Monthly and tell me what you think about it.

I've been listening to The Mars Volta and I've watched I Am Trying to Break Your Heart. Wilco and The Mars Volta have something unique in common: they're both one of two quality off-shoots from other bands. When the band Uncle Tupelo broke up, two of its former members, Jeff Tweedy and Jay Farrar, formed Wilco and Son Volt, respectively. The band At the Drive-In split into Sparta and The Mars Volta. Can you think of any other examples when one act split-up to become two separate acts that could each hold their own?

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The Alchemy of Finance

---

I had intended to author the polemic today, but the discussion of the government's economic policies is far too sprawling for this format. But, I'll say just a few words about the issue.

I don't know whether the tax cuts are contributing to the current economic recovery (it will probably turn out that the weaking of the dollar is at least as important), but i'm concerned that the deficits incurred by the cuts will have terrible consequences for the economy in the long run.

I think this business of trying to stimulate job creation by cutting the taxes of investors is nonsense when it could be done more directly by putting money in the hands of those with the least disposable income, which would immediately increase demand for goods and services. Even though consumer spending has remained fairly steady, in the long run our economic health will depend not on the value of the Dow, but on our capacity for consumption.

The deficit will likely lead to cuts in government spending, which is not, prima facie, a bad thing except that the federal government has taken on certain fiscal obligations toward individuals and the states. The country relies on federal money for education, law enforcement and social welfare programs. These obligations won't disappear as easily as the funding for them, which will leave state and local governments, reeling from deficits of their own, to try to tackle the burden of these obligations. Many states may have to raise taxes to handle these responsibilities or else abdicate them altogether. If it is the intention of the Bush administration to reduce the size of the government, it should be done through program cuts, not by shackling the government to debts. That's a little like running up your credit card bill in order to prevent the spending of your paycheck.

That's the short version-- a mini polemic.

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The Fast and the Furious

---

I have, in recent years been excited about the NBA draft, especially considering how important the draft has been to the Bulls since the championship years for which we should not be unduly nostalgiac. But since I've never seen or heard of half the players who will be selected in the first round and I can't even pronounce many of their names, I know better than to think this event will hold my interest. After LeBron, Carmello, and Donnie Darko who knows and who cares? But I wonder if the Bulls strategy will change since Jay Williams Bobby Hurley-ed himself into a tree. He probably would have been spending the evening waiting for the call from his agent informing him that he's been traded, but instead he'll be lying in a hospital bed reading his copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Accident Victim Repair.

On Monday the Supreme Court upheld Michigan University Law School's admissions practices while striking down the undergraduate procedure, which I think was probably the right decision. But the fact that this particular lawsuit was brought raises an interesting question. People tend to maintain the view that the selection process for an elite university is an objective one. Considering that students spend their efforts pursuing empirical standards like gpa's and test scores, it's easy to see how such a myth could be perpetuated. But if a school takes any other factor besides that kind of empirical academic data into consideration in its admissions policy, it brings a substantial quantity of subjectivity into the process. When a qualified student is rejected by a school, there could be 100 admittants to point to that were accepted instead for 100 different subjective reasons; and the difference between them is not the difference between a qualified student and an unqualified student, it's the difference between a qualified student and another qualified student. Michigan's admissions policy gave just as much weight to being a scholarship athlete as to being a minority. What looks more like a quota than reserving spaces for athletes? Is it unfair when a white student is rejected and a minority accepted instead, but it's entirely acceptable for a student to be rejected because coach needs a quarterback? Or because the marching band needs a tuba player, or the school wants some students from southern states? All these issues can be factors in admissions. It's not an objective process.

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That's When I Reach for My Revolver

---

I have mostly managed to avoid the Hillary Clinton media juggernaut of the past couple of weeks, but a groggy me was unwittingly exposed to portions of a radio interview she had given. Maybe it was a result of the semi-consciousness, but I could have sworn that some of the things I heard her say actually made sense. One of the things she said is that the Bush administration is neither compassionate nor conservative. Of course, the fact that the Republican Party decided to say "We're compassionate, now" is an indication of an image problem, at least. But I would agree that the current White House is not conservative, at least in a traditional since; it's a fiscally irresponsible, interventionist administration. If you really want to see conservativism (my biggest problem with the W. is that he took a syllable out of the word conservativism and made it conservatism; and everybody acts as if it is perfectly normal to truncate syllables from a root word when you add a suffix. That should be an impeachable offense.) read one of Pat Buchanan's books. No, seriously. Push aside his xenophobia and consider his views, especially on the economy.

Also, the Bush administration wants to extend the assault weapons ban Which I have mixed feelings about, because some part of me wants to walk the streets toting a kalashnikov. But I guess if I want that kind of freedom I'll have to move to Iraq.

Coming soon:
An alpha charlie bravo polemic: Why the Bush tax plan won't work

Go Howard Dean!

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Myxamatosis

---

I didn't realize it was Friday 13th yesterday, until only ten minutes were left in the day. And there was a full moon... all of this apparently means nothing to me.

I neglected to mention that after I had assembled my new futon from futonz.com (if you need a futon in the Chicago area, John will bring you one) I decided that I wanted it on the other side of the room. Which was no problem--I had to move stuff; and in the course of moving stuff I discovered that I had five million pennies lying around. Wait, if I had five million pennies, I'd be a thousandaire! Woohoo! I'm middle class! I'm middle class!

I had stuff to say about the Sammy Sosa incident, but who cares now. I think I'll go play with my prarie dogs. Just for the record Phil, of Phil's Pocket Pets,a Tamagotchi is a pocket pet. A prairie dog is not. A giant Gambian Rat is not. Well, maybe if you're wearing cargo pants. This whole incident reminds me of a scene in the movie Exotica where a Canadian customs agent is training a new guy to recognize people trying to smuggle animals into the country... It seems I have nothing more to say about that.
hmm, Well.

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Le Grand Tango

---

It's always exciting to get new furniture isn't it. I ordered a futon (ah! the versatile comfort) via the internet (my how easy it is to buy stuff when there's a mouse in your hand). I assembled it myself so if it falls apart I'm suing me. Other significant purchases may be coming soon. I've been sneaking peeks at guitars (most people probably stick to one instrument they can't play, but not me) and i've been hearing how prarie dogs are good investments as pets.

And also I want to thank Tower for putting Gidon Kremer's Homage a Piazzolla in the Piazzolla section where I found it easily. I always imagine that it's a bit trippy for the guy at the classical music counter, who in appearances at least is an afficionado, to see me walking up, compact disc in hand and then discover that it isn't Mozart or Beethoven that i'm probably "trying out," but Piazzolla or Mahler or Satie or even Steve Reich, signifying that i'm so beyond the typical "i'm educated now so i should listen to classical music" experimentation. I'm hardcore. I like minimalism. But in reality, I just skipped over Bach and went straight to Mahler. Who needs Brahams when you can listen to Satie? And nothing makes you seem more esoteric than popping in a Steve Reich recording.

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The Lexus and The Olive Tree

---

I saw a man on the Metra train this morning, wearing baby blue sweatpants and a vinyl jacket, discard his McDonald's bag under the seat in front of him. I wanted to say to him, "Hey this isn't the CTA! There's a garbage can a few steps in front of you. You can't just make your refuse magically disappear by placing it outside of your peripheral vision!" I believe in the rule of law. Nature may be arbitrary, but you can't have a society of arbitrary actors. There have to be mutually accepted norms based on general principles and values.

Tom Friedman was on Charlie Rose last night, and I always enjoy his point of view. He mentioned that Paul Wolfowitz had given an interview in Vanity Fair (i can't look up the link now, if it's online please share the URL) in which he basically stated that the weapons of mass destruction issue had been "exaggerated" and that it really didn't matter whether Iraq possessed them or not. I'm rather annoyed that I spent time trying to refute the WMD issue when it turned out not to matter at all. Oh well. And I never got a chance to tell you that I think even a sensible imperialist would think three times before launching into a campaign to "reshape the external world." If I had the opportunity to step before a computer monitor when the Saudi Arabia bombings happened, I would have told you to advocate the bombing of the Saudi people. Why waste time with mustached misanthropic super villains when it's the ordinary men women and children that are a security threat. They hijack planes, they bomb apartment buildings... sure some innocent members of the Saudi royal family will get killed, but at the end Crown Prince Abdullah will be dancing in the streets.

Instead of having traditional Presidential elections next year, we should elect either a Tom Friedman foriegn policy or a William Kristol foriegn policy. The democrats get Friedman (sure he's a ringer, but they need the help) and the republicans, Kristol. Let the people vote. It's Kristol's "bomb the world" vs. Friedman's "save the arabs... by bombing them" and "McDonald's for peace." (Friedman wrote that no two countries with a McDonald's would ever go to war. Shh. Don't tell him there's been a McDonald's in Belgrade for years. Right now Iran and Syria are saving up for the franchise fees.)

Last week, I was in such a pleasant mood. Not only was the memorial day parade downtown but also the International Man of Leather competion was at the Palmer House last weekend. So there was the lovely juxtapostion of veterans in uniform and gay men in leather and fatigues. But look at me now, I'm a shell of a shell. Maybe I should wear more leather.

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The Matrix Revisited

---

I find this disquieting, but it is not unusual, especially on Sundays, when I take the train downtown to see the same travelers on my return trip that I encountered on my way to my destination. There was an odd looking couple sitting behind me and the guy was engaged in an annoying soliloquy about his friends and neighbors: "Frank gave up weed for the bible."
There was another pair in front of me across the aisle whom I hesitate to call a couple because they were such a mismatched pair. The girl looked more like a guide or patron to the guy she was with than a girlfriend or friendly companion. But perhaps they are a couple and patronage is an aspect of their relationship.

Between my two encounters with this pair of unusual couples, two things happened that relate to recent posts here. First, I had lunch with a man who has actually written a book, a novel. Second, I saw The Matrix: Reloaded, which we'll discuss shortly, and also I went to the Virgin Megastore which has nothing to do with anything but I saw a book there called Eminem: In His Own Words which was a rather brief volume with lots of pictures. Also there was a biography alt.country upstart Ryan Adams, which I thought was a little strange considering he hasn't produced that much work yet, at least as a solo artist, and not much of that is good.

Now, the Matrix. Can I ruin it for you? Huh? Please can I ruin it for you? Okay I won't. But let me say first of all what a pedantic babbling load of crap. Are the Wachowskis so enamored with their pedestrian worldview that every character has to proselytize every time there's a lull in the action? How about the plot? Remember the plot? Come on, let's go! Also, something happens at the end of the movie which re-invigorated my confusion about the imaginary world acting on the phenomenal world. But anyway...

On my way back in the train station I saw both couples. The second couple I mentioned had been shopping and the guy was all tuckered out, slouched on the bench with his eyes closed while his female companion was still bright eyed and perky. The first couple, the odd looking ones behind me, were engaged in a discreet tiff. But ulitmately,. the woman took a step back, pointed an index finger at her interlocutor's chest and yelled, "Get the fuck out of my life! Get the fuck out of my life!" and stormed off. The man just stood their looking as sheepish as the Smiths when Neo left them in his wake.

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Strange Days

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The people who use the internet at the public library are strange. Of course, some of them are homeless, but even those who appear to have permanent dwellings are odd. If a person makes an appointment to use a computer at the library, then obviously they find significant utility in the device. This being the case, why do they not own one themselves? Because in one way or another, there is something wrong with them. I can't say what, every case is different, but all such creatures must have some fundamental personal flaw which prevents them from possessing the worldly objects which they acknowledge themselves they have need of. I usually distinguish myself from this group simply by the fact that I wear clean clothes, but the basic truth is undeniable: we are the dregs of post-modern society. My condition being as such, these blog posts may become more infrequent and less predictable in the coming months. My summer is an unfolding mystery and I may not get to the keyboard as often as I would like.
So what should I do with myself now? I think i might go to McDonald's and get a McRib since it's back! and since it inspired the Simpsons to do a parody of Requiem for A Dream when Homer takes a bite of a Krusty Burger "rib" sandwich causing his pupils to dilate and his arteries to fill with, i suppose, barbecue sauce. Or I could go to a local emergency room and pretend to have pnuemonic plague.
When I was in the library last week, and I could neither conceive of nor serendipitously encounter a book that would pique my interest I thought, "well, maybe I'll just write a book." Oh yeah, that's a solution. I'm sure that's how Marcel Proust got started: he couldn't find a book he wanted to read so he said, "hey, you know what, I'll just write a three volume masterpiece. Yeah, that'll pass the time."
Maybe I'll just get some sleep. But first, McRib. Wait, wait there go my pupils.

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Reloaded

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Here's the problem I have with The Matrix, aside from the Cartesian or Platonic (whichever you prefer) metaphysics: the issue of free will in an illusory world. Since the world of "The Matrix" is an immaterial realm, completely separate from the (to use a Kantian term) phenomenal realm, how can events in the former have consequence in the latter? Is Neo ever in danger when he's fighting holograms? Doesn't his knowledge of free will make him omnipotent inside the Matrix? I've only seen the movie once and a downloaded bootleg copy without even a temp. score at that, but these questions persistently mute the ability of the media to generate in me enthusiasm for the continuation of the trilogy.

And it is such a disappointment to see Zadie Smith's novel White Teeth turned into such a weak, hurried, unfunny television event on PBS check your local listings. I will say no more except that if I could have written a better adaptation (and I could have), couldn't someone (who unlike me, is actually a productive member of society) be enlisted to create a decent production from that book?

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GoldenEye

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Does anybody know what the integral of csc²x is? It's driving me nuts.

I read somewhere that David Bowie issues his own bonds secured on upcoming record sales. I read this a while ago, but it just occurred to me: what if I issued my own "bonds"? I'm not in any way incorporated, so they wouldn't technically be bonds, but they could perform in the same manner. Just think of it. You give me $1000 and you get a 10 year unsecured bond at an interest rate of 8%, paid annually, and ten years from now, you get your 1000 bucks back! How can you lose? What are you going to do with that money anyway? Put it in the bank? Ha! No bank account will accrue 8% interest. Most likely, you'll just flitter it away on video games, booze and women. You know how you are. So why not invest in your future? Wouldn't you like to have an extra $1000 ten years from now? Of course you would. So buy alpha charlie bravo bonds. They probably help fight terrorism in their own peculiar way.

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A Man For All Seasons

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Returning videos late is stupid. Last week I had to pay the exorbitant fine for having damn Gummo a day past its due, and right now i'm in possesion of The Powerpuff Girls Movie 12 hours beyond its deadline.

I began trying to make a list of every book i've ever read. A characteristically ambitious endeavor that is characteristically unlikely to ever be completed. I looked at the Harvard 100 Recommended Books; I've read around 15 of those I guess, and many of them are significant books, but still, they're just recommendations by people who work in a book store. "Barrel Fever" by David Sedaris is on that list; have I completely missed the literary magnitude of the David Sedaris canon? I may offer a partial list, or a list of the "most significant" (to me) books i've read.

Since the weather has been warm I can start listening consistently to my summer set of music. Some CD's I tend to listen to more during a particular season. For example I prefer to listen to Rufus Wainwright's debut album in late fall/early winter, but I listen to his second album Poses in spring/early summer. Some of this is just a memory cue referring to when I acquired the music, but partly it's in the themes or tone of the music itself. I can't listen to Poi Dog Pondering or Liquid Soul in the Winter, although as i'm thinking about it, probably everything is in play when the weather is warm, so there I go, i've just blown up my entire premise.

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A Spoonful Weighs a Ton

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And so well the Flaming Lips concert was quite a spectacle with giant balloons, confetti, a smoke machine, people dressed in animal costumes, teletubbies on a video screen and considerable amounts of loud music. Rather enjoyable.

Thursday, of course, was May Day and I completely forgot to write about it when I sat down in front of the machine. So here goes: "What May Day means to me" by: alpha charlie bravo [clears throat] ... [Pinter pause] ... well, anyway i think it's important to remember that people died for the 8 hour work week.
A few years ago a graduate student at Norhwestern with whom I was acquainted, wrote and directed a play about the labor riot at Haymarket Square in Chicago in 1886 and the dubious conviction of eight men and execution of four implicated in the riot. The riot ocurred on May 4, three days after national protests for an 8 hour work day, on May 1. Considering that this is local history, besides its significance to the international labor movement, I probably should have known more about it. But at the time I knew next to nothing about Haymarket and its place in labor history. For more information: visit The Chicago Historical Society Haymarket Affair Digital Collection.

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Ego Tripping

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Not to be outdone by Laz's Pearl Jam Concert or actually, to be outdone considerably, at least in terms of name recognition and fan base, I am looking forward to seeing The Flaming Lips in concert at the Riviera on Saturday, preceeded by the Urban Therapy Family Guy marathon.

The Out of Context Quote of the Week (actually from last week):
In a radio interview, record producer Daniel Lanois, who has worked with U2, Bob Dylan, and others said:

"...I'm going to have sex with this woman,
but i'm not going to shove a pizza in her face while I do it."

Now, let's see what kind of Google search hits I can get with that.

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Get On the Bus

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I seem to spend most of my life idly: waiting for the bus. And when one is boarding a commuter bus, it is apparently customary to step aside to allow members of the female gender to board ahead of you, if you are male. Having spent the majority of my life in engaged in such idleness, i am well acquainted with this traditional practice. Generally, I regard all the trappings of what is commonly referred to as "chivalry" to be actually a form of patriarchy: a set of subtle methods to subjugate women and deprive them of their agency. However, I do typically assent to the practice of "ladies first," simply to avoid an inconvenient transgression of minor social mores. But lately, when i'm preparing to board the bus and entirely willing to adhere to traditional practice, women will just walk right in front of me, as individuals or in groups, coming from all directions and usurping my place in line as if they enjoyed a sense of entitlement to public transportation. Is this where our society is headed? And does chivalric tradition still apply if the woman in question is a lesbian?

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Curb Your Enthusiasm

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There are two young women I notice from time to time, in the course of my daily activities who stand out in a crowd of commuters. I always see them together; as far as i can recall, I have never seen one without the other. What so intrigues me about them is the manner in which they walk. It's not the form of the walk, although they move in lockstep, shoulder to shoulder with their arms bent at the elbows such that if you caught them in the corner of your vision you might conceive of them as walking arm in arm. It's not the pace, although they walk quickly, but not with the sense of urgency one typically identifies with the hurried commuter. It is that they move with a sense of anticipation. They walk as if something is going to happen or is already happening, perhaps just around the next corner, that they are anxious to get to: some novel experience, some new fun for which they must, for now, try to contain their excitement, but they can't quite conceal it. The staccatto rhythm of four spindly legs slicing through the air reveals a hint of some lighthearted mischief on the horizon. And as I stand and observe them as they saunter past, I wonder where they are going and what happens when they get there.

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Boss

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Hey, they arrested my hero, the self proclaimed "Mayor of Baghdad". What law has he broken? What law even exists in Iraq? Oh, sure you can loot all the palaces and museums you like, but don't even think about holding imaginary committee meetings in your hotel room. I didn't realize there could be such dire consequences for giving yourself a false title. I guess I ought to stop going around calling myself "The King of the Jews." A person could get into a lot of trouble for that.

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New Favorite

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All last week i listened to Allison Krause + Union Station's New Favorite which is an outstanding collection of music. It has been said that some of the seminal rock recordings in history made kids go out and buy guitars. Listening to AK+US makes me want to rush out and get a banjo.
And listening to Lyle Lovett makes want to... i don't know, be married to Julia Roberts for six months.

There is a movement afoot, or if there isn't then i'm starting it, to refer to U.S. Cellular Field, nee Comiskey Park as "The Joan" in honor of U.S. Cellular spokesperson Joan Cusack. Also, Esteban Loaiza should henceforth be known as E-Lo.

The NFL draft is this weekend so i want to know "Who's Your Guy?" in this year's draft. A draft eligible player you have taken notice of for your team or any team, for his athletic ability or lack of it, for a weird name or personal characteristic, or whatever has attracted your attention.
And be careful if you're doing the NFL Draft drinking game. Referred by: Troy

I thought i would have something more substantial to say today, but to hell with it. I'm sick. I may have SARS. But then again, that's extremely unlikely, especially considering i haven't traveled outside the state of Illinois since the Clinton administration. Ah... the Clinton administration: those carefree days of simple economic imperialism.

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Movement In Still Life

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Did you hear about the guy who declared himself Governor of Baghdad? How does that work? I want to declare myself governor of something. Maybe i can declare myself Mayor of Beijing, considering that the job is open now. (look at the picture: he's thinking, "yeah, i deserved to get fired.")
Or perhaps i can declare myself the junior Senator from Illinois, since Peter Fitzgerald is not running for re-election. When was the last time an incumbent Republican couldn't raise enough money for a re-election campaign? I'm going to miss Peter Fitzgerald. He's a man of integrity and candor which made him a maverick in the Senate.

You may have read this article: "Rumsfeld Calls for Regime Change in Iraq". There have been a series of government leaks and seeming missteps over the last ten years whenever diplomatic steps are taken toward North Korea. Here's one example. Another is referred to in the last paragraph of this article.
What could explain this pattern of ill-timed government leaks? It could be that there are people who have been and continue to try to scuttle any notion of a diplomatic resolution to the N. Korean issue.

Finally, i have in a past post called the local PBS program Chicago Tonight something of a mess, but last night i was watching host Bob Sirott interview John Malkovich. At the end of the interview, the cameras stay on, a music bed begins to play, Bob and John stand and shake hands, the lights dim, Bob Sirott becomes a silhoutte, Malkovich carefully removes the microphone from his lapel, Silhoutte Sirott starts to walk away then looks back over his shoulder and says something to Malkovich, Malkovich nods, the camera pulls back slowly and swings ahead to another part of the set, the music continues, Bob takes a seat at a table across from a man who is already seated there, the camera moves in, the music fades, the lights come up, a voice somewhere in the background says, "Here we go," and Bob introduces the next segment with his guest. It was beautiful. The transitions alone are worth watching.

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I Could Eat Your Words

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So, how have you managed to cope without my didactic musings for an entire week?
Well, i have brought you, from the cloud enshrouded mountain of my mind, two stone tablets, each containg a new word to add to the english lexicon.
At some point in history, i found it necessary to use the term political economy as an adjective. I invented the term "poli-nomic" to accomplish this. It is, i think, a failure as a word. Just look at that awkward spelling: "poli" as a prefix is so confusing and "nomic" is not a suffix at all. The roots of both of the original words are mutilated. I was trying to improve my linguistic mutant when i came up with the word: econocracy. Econocracy describes a political system whose main purposes and methods are economic. For example, Singapore is an econocratic country. Its political system is organized for the purpose of generating economic growth; its social policy is indistinct from its economic policy. Fundamentally of course, the external power or prestige of any society is determined by its human economy, but an econocracy is organized specifically for the purpose of maximizing its economic potential.
The other word is anthrosystemic. I suppose it could be used as a noun: "anthrosystem", but i prefer the modifier. Its meaning is less clear. Perhaps it is just not as useful. It could be used to apply to any man-made institutional or organizational system, but i think that would make it kind of a Pop term rather than a truly meaningful word. I would like it to be more specific in its usage.
So there you are. Use these words liberally, in your blogs, in your interlocutions and in your idle thoughts so that they may seep in like moisture into arid soil and enrich your discourse. Yes, you too can be as prolix and pedantic as i.

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Things Fall Apart

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My theory is: Saddam Hussein has clones.
And of course, each successive clone is a little dumber than the previous. One clone decided to attack Iran. Another thought April Glaspy said it was okay to invade Kuwait, and yet another was running this war.
What happened to the Circle of Death? The oil trenches dug aroung Baghdad and then set ablaze? What happened to the night vision goggles Rummy was so concerned about? What happened to flooding the Karbala gap, sabotaging oil wells, attacking Israel and making the Tigris and Euphrates rivers run red with the blood of infidels? What happened to the chemicals and the red line outside Baghdad? What happened to "I'm a crazy MoFo with nothing to lose and i'll fight to death..." blah, blah, blah? At least make them put on a good show when the troupe comes to the big city. At this rate we'll be invading Syria by July and Iran by next January, and i'm not ready for the Pax Americana yet; I still have laundry to do.

Does this mean that Ted Koppel has to put away his oversized fatigues and dusty pith helmet now? He looks like the knock-off army man action figure you would get for your birthday when you wanted a G.I. Joe, but your parents were either broke or deferring your desires until christmas, or just didn't know the difference. But we know, Ted. We know.

Thank you for visiting alpha charlie bravo. Especially if you got here by accident via a Google search. But if you did you probably aren't sticking around to read this far. But if you have, we welcome you. Poke around for a while and feel free to come back again.
alpha charlie bravo will be going on hiatus next week, but will return a week from Monday with all new episodes.
Until then, please check out some of the other blogs linked on this page, there on your left, no point your mouse up a bit, there you go.
And click here to read the original press release that announced the auspicious debut of this blog.

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Ars Poetica

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Presently, i'm listening to Donald Rumsfeld, one of our nation's greatest poets, at a D.O.D. press conference get agitated at a reporter's question about the humanitarian conditions in Iraq. I don't know about the rest of the country, but my information tells me that all the city of Nasiryah needs is one mic.
(I'm sorry. I am truly sorry.)

WBEZ had a contest to find a poet to recommend as the next poet laureate of Illinois. Considering that there have only been three Illinois poet laureates and that two of them were Carl Sandburg and Gwendolyn Brooks, I think having a public contest to find another is misguided. None of the contest offerings that i heard teribbly impressed me and maybe because of this i began to reminisce fondly on some of my own past scribblings. I have pages of verses i composed from around 1995 to 1998 scattered about; not in any particular order or even in one place. Some of them have probably been lost. I consider this to be no significant loss to the world of literature as the majority of them are so bad as to be unreadable and the readable ones are probably incomprehensible. Take a look at the staggering volume of awful, awful "poetry" that litters the electronic landscape. When i was writing, i was writing to get good. I certainly wasn't interested in subjecting the world at-large to these practice sessions. But, some point of discussion during that on-air contest caused me to consider the question: what was the best single line i ever wrote? and could it stand up to a line by one of these contestants? It was probably a line in poem a i wrote for class in college. I rummaged through some old academic documents, found a couple of poems from that class, an essay from another, a syllabus, some lecture notes on Kant, but not what i was looking for. I remembered a couple of other lines from the poem and thought i could improve them, but not unless i found it on paper. I found some others and tweaked them a bit, stayed up late into the night to fix a line here and there, but i never located that assembly of ten lines that became the night's obsession.