3.24.2003



Radio Cure



It started innocently enough. I just wanted to watch a few minutes of the NCAA tournament on Saturday afternoon. I fell asleep on Gonzaga, or something. I hear the voice of Dan Rather: "...and ten soldiers wounded today..." i grope around for the remote and press the power button.
At around 11:00 p.m. i watch Mullholland Drive. What the hell is up with Mullholland Drive? I watch it again. Oh, now i get it. Or at least i invent an explanation that i can understand.
4:00 a.m. So what's the harm now in watching a little CNN?
This was really my first news of the war. I was surprised to see that not all that much had happened up until Sunday, or at least it seemed to me. The civilian infrastructure in Baghdad is still mostly intact and U.S. troops hadn't met much resistance, i guess, until Sunday.
It was nice to know a little something and to be able simply to turn on the tv.
I thought i might watch the Oscars and get some material for the blog. I watched a few minutes, but disinterest overtook me and i turned my attention to other trifles.
I turned on the radio. WBEZ was running the BBC feed. From that moment on the BBC was on in my room all night, even as i slept.
I knew i would become interested in the tactical issues of the war and crave constant information if i allowed the media's light under in under my door, and that is what happened.

One of the events i like to see during the Oscars is when they present past Oscar winners on stage. Don't you look at some of those people and think: "were they selling those things on eBay? How did ___ get an Oscar?" Perhaps it didn't seem strange at the time, but in retrospect: Cuba Gooding Jr.? "Show me the money!"? What sort of mass hysteria created that outcome? What the hell did Geena Davis get an Oscar for? Geena Davis?

My favorite out of context quote from recent war coverage:

"We did not bomb Baghdad."
-Donald Rumsfeld

--he actually said that.

also i found it quite amusing to see Iraqi soldiers in Baghdad, firing machine guns into the river because they thought an American plane might have been downed there.
The Iraqi foreign minister was interviewed by the BBC in Cairo where he's attending the Arab League summit. Blaring in the background as he was being interviewed, was Gloria Gaynor's "I will Survive." I'm not kidding. When he broke off the interview, the reporter said, "No doubt, he's returning to his hotel to plan his diplomatic strategy for the Arab League summit tomorrow."
Or maybe, he was just anxious to get his Cairo groove on.

3.20.2003



Songs for the Deaf



My media blackout has officially begun. From now on i will walk around with my eyes shut and my hands over my ears saying: lalala lala la la lalala lala la la one banana two banana three banana four... ok maybe not.

I saw yesterday that NCAA president Miles Brand, announcing the decision to play the tournament games, said "We will not allow a tyrant to determine how we live our lives." I could be wrong, but i think currently the tyrant has more important issues to consider than how far Dwayne Wade can take Marquette in the Tournament. Although, i could see Saddam Hussein being upset about Bobby Knight not receiving a bid and i hear Tariq Aziz is a Notre Dame fan.

Speaking of Tariq, he spoke to reporters yesterday amid rumors that he was planning to defect. I can imagine a despondent Tariq Aziz being prompted by Saddam Hussein to join him in singing theme songs from 1980's American sitcoms to cheer him up and strengthen his resolve.
For example, they might sing the theme from Growing Pains:

"Show me that smile again (Ooh show me that smile)
Don't waste another minute on your cryin'
We're nowhere near the end
The best is ready to begin
Ooh...
As long as we got each other
We can take anything that comes our way
Baby rain or shine...
All the time...
We got each other
Sharin' the laughter and love"

Or the theme from Family Ties:

"What would we do baby, without us?
What would we do baby, without us?
And there ain't no nothin' we can't love each other through
What would we do baby, without us?
Sha la la la."

3.19.2003



B.O.B



So, if the Republican Guard still wants to fight after the first 48 hours of "shock and awe," it seems to me, they could make things rather difficult. In any case, the hard part will be what happens after the 3000 PGM's and the siege of key cities accomplish their objectives. It will be interesting to see, if the President needs to request the war funding up front, if those democrats who voted for the war resolution in September (especially the ones running for president) and who now criticize the administration's policy which has been clear since at least August, will still vote to fund the war.

In any case, i think i will bury my head in the sand and declare a media blackout on myself. Today may be the last opportunity for me to read the newspaper, listen to the radio, or watch television for no one knows how long. So let's make this quick. Okay? I'm going to sleep now. Wake me when the war is over. Or just email me.



3.18.2003



Cool World



Ignoring all caveats about Electronic Arts' PS2 version of The Sims, not living up to the PC version, (which i've never played anyway so how would i know the difference), i purchased the game at Sears downtown only to discover the disc could not be read by my Playstation. Five days later i went to return it and get a working copy and had the following exchange with a salesclerk:

me: "i would like to exchange this."
Salesclerk "We don't take back games."
me: "um... yes, you do."
Salesclerk "Hey, other salesclerk do we take back games?"
Other Salesclerk"No. Not after they're opened."
me: "??"
Other Salesclerk"You can exchange it, but only for the same title."
me: "well, yeah!"
Salesclerk"You can exchange it, but I don't think we have this one."
me: "??"

Well, ultimately i got a new copy and took it home and of course that one didn't work either. So i suppose their entire stock is bad. I don't think there is another Sears store readily located within my sphere of influence so the next course of action on this issue has yet to be determined.

Hey, what do you want? At least i didn't use the word paradigm.

3.17.2003



Life in Wartime



For some reason, all weekend i felt a compelling urge to reclaim land from the British.

And so well of course we're going to war.
You can't deploy the Marine corps band and the Kuwaiti Field Chickens and then not use them!

If you didn't know, alpha charlie bravo are my initials in military phonetic alphabet, not coincidentally. But i never intended this to be a warblog. However, these issues may dominate my thinking and will certainly show up in the blog from time to time or two times a week. But hopefully tomorrow and frequently thereafter we will return to our regularly scheduled frivolity.
Below, if you wish, you can read a hastily prepared statement against war with Iraq. Use it to start arguments with your friends and co-workers. Or with me, that would be fun too.



The Thin Red Line



To begin, let's articulate some principles: the first is war should be avoided whenever possible, the second that it should only be used in the defense of the society or as a last resort to resolve a serious issue of international concern and the third that it should not be used generally as a tool to accomplish foreign policy goals that do not meet the standards of self-defense or last resort. These three principles form the framework for the proceeding discussion.



Containment
Typically, containment, as it is conceived in U.S. policy, is ultimately an untenable endeavor. One of the rare cases in which this has not been true is Iraq. Since the 1991 Gulf War, Iraq's conventional military capabilities have been decimated, its WMD capacity at least partly dismantled and subject to international scrutiny and sanctions have reversed its economic growth. There is little support for continued sanctions due to the harmful effects the policy has brought about among the iraqi civillian population. What can be maintained is continued international scrutiny of Iraq's military capabilities and a permanent embargo against WMD materials. It is possible to achieve effective disarmament even with reluctant cooperation from the Iraqi government. Unless one believes the ancient Greek philosopher Zeno who stated that movement is impossible, the intermediate steps accomplished by weapons inspections will lead eventually to effective disarmament. A reasonable timeline of months not days or hours for disarmament and verification with accomplishable intermediate conditions would take the interminableness out of the inspections process. Thereafter, periodic inspections would examine Iraq's continued compliance and make reconstitution of WMD programs difficult and costly.
Iraq's military can be contained.



Deterrence
During the 1991 Gulf War, when Iraq's WMD capacity was by any account considerably greater than it is today, Saddam Hussein refrained from using WMD against the invading coalition forces and Israel. Conventional deterrence has probably been a mainstay of international relations since the time of the powerful city states of the Mediterranean. Nuclear deterrence stabilized the tense cold war paradigm. The U.S. has the advantage of both methods of deterrence over Iraq and effectively deterred Saddam Hussein during the '91 conflict. Deterrence, especially nuclear, remains a major factor in international relations in the post-cold war world. (Consider India and Pakistan as examples). The Bush administration has argued that September 11th created a new paradigm in international affairs wherein deterrence is no longer a factor. This is clearly not the case.



9/11: The Linchpin
Considering the astonishing success of Iraqi containment and the weakness of an Iraqi military that would barely be able to summon the effort to harass its neighbors let alone attack the United States, the Bush administration has attempted to make a rhetorical link between the September 11 attack and the Iraq issue. It is true fundamentally that terrorists cannot be deterred. However, this is precisely because they are terrorists and not nations. Non-state actors are not subject to the same consequences that nation-states are subject to, therefore non-state actors operate outside the boundaries of international relations. The fact that non-state actors are now an important focus of world policymaking does not alter the international order between states. In the 12 years since Iraq has been an official enemy of the U.S, no terrorist organization has been able to acquire WMD materials. Any country that directly participates in the planning or execution of a terrorist attack against U.S. interests knows quite well what the consequences would be. This is the effect of deterrence. The idea that Al Qaeda could acquire WMD materials from Saddam Hussein (whom Osama bin Laden has called a "socialist" and "an apostate") is imaginitive, but extremely unlikely.
The administration has attempted use three individuals to build a rhetorical bridge between Al Qaeda and Iraq:
It was suggested that Mohammed Atta, one of the 9/11 hijackers, met with an Iraqi intelligence official while in Prague. The government of the Czech Republic investigated this claim and quietly informed the Bush administration that such a meeting had never taken place.1
Abu Nidal was mentioned by the President as an Al Qaeda affiliated terrorist who was given refuge in Iraq. We know that Abu Nidal was in Iraq because he was found killed in Baghdad.2
Another allegedly Al Qaeda connected terrorist who maintains a base in Kurdish controlled northern Iraq received medical attention at a Baghdad hospital. This is supposed to be definitive proof of a relationship between Al Qaeda and the Iraqi government. None of these assertions withstands scrutiny.



The Butcher of Baghdad
There is no argument to be made against the claim that Saddam Hussein is a brutal and repressive dictator. But in this respect, he is hardly unique. If it were a matter of American policy to use military force to replace repressive governments, we would also expect war with not only Iraq or North Korea but China, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Turkey, Indonesia, Zimbabwe and others as well. Since this is not the case, it must be asked why Iraq has been singled out for special prosecution. Saddam Hussein was a brutal dictator before 1991, but when he attempted to control Kuwait's natural resources, he accidentally placed himself in the cross-hairs of U.S. foreign policy; not simply because of his regime, but because of the importance of the middle east to U.S. interests.


3.13.2003



The Blueprint



I am hereby announcing officially my candidicy to be Viceroy of post-Saddam Hussein Iraq. Here is my five point plan for the Iraqi people:


  • Removal of Saddam Hussein from Iraqi political life

    It is vital to the functioning of Iraq after the fall of Saddam Hussein that Ba'ath Party political institutions, particularly its administrative infrastructure remain intact after the war. However, Saddam Hussein must go. If captured, he should be deported to the United States and immediately nominated for Attorney General, or failing that, Director of Homeland Security.


  • Iraqi dissidents given important role in transitional Iraqi government.

    Iraqi National Congress chairman Ahmed Chalabi should be given a key role in the reconstruction of Iraq. I would nominate him to be Minister of Tourism. "If you build it, they will come." Besides, nobody wants those INC guys anywhere near any real power, and this way Ahmed won't feel so left out.


  • Independent Kurdistan

    Yes the Kurds will finally get their own independent state. My plan is to take a chunk out of Turkey to create an area large enough to accomodate the Kurdish population in the region, but still geographically convoluted enough to keep Iraq's northern oil fields out of Kurdish control. We will conduct extensive consultations with Israeli cartographers for advice on mapping out such a territory.


  • A Spokesman for the Iraqi People

    Until such time as it would be viable to hold elections, the interests and concerns of the Iraqi people will be communicated to me buy that guy who did the Saddam Hussein translation voice over for 60 minutes. He has spoken for Iraqis before, and has excellent qualifications. And hey, ya gotta love the wacky accents.


  • American-style democratic elections

    New foreign investment coupled with the American money=speech equation should produce a detached, self-interested political class in Iraq fairly quickly. Soon, just like Americans, the Iraqis will have the freedom to choose between western educated elites, cast their votes for Pat Buchanan, and place oil industry insiders in the highest offices of government.




I would also strive to make significant reductions in the number of assasinations, dissapearances and political imprisonments. And I would do all of this without the help of the international community. Iraq, choose me as your next viceroy.

3.12.2003



Say Anything



Something occurred yesterday that aroused in me that intolerable envy of one who sees another achieve without difficulty a long cherished dream which one has failed to accomplish one's self:

Person 1 (Absentmindedly bites thumbnail)
Person 2 "Do you bite your thumb at me sir?"
Person 1 "No, sir. But I do bite my thumb."

At least for me it was a long cherished dream, of sorts, to spontaneously speak that line from Romeo and Juliet upon seeing someone make an unintentional thumb-in-teeth gesture. But i always figured the response to such an outburst would be the strained polite smile beneath a nonplussed gaze that has become so familiar to me over the years. I would not have dared to imagine that in the real world, without prior context, those lines could be blurted out so smoothly. Perhaps I should have taken the risk. It is often unclear to me what is inappropriate to say to a particular person in a particular circumstance.

For example: I encountered a retail salesperson who in his appearance reminded me of the poet David Mura. Should i have said to him, "Ya know, you look a little like David Mura." One of three things could have happened: He might have no clue who David Mura is (see reaction described above), he may opine that i say this solely because they're both asian (although you have to admit that a lot of mesomorphic, middle-aged, asian men with pony tails look alike), or he may accept the comparison, perhaps even be flattered in some way and we would engage in a discussion of Mura, his work and his life, and i would tell him that i knew a theater professor who dated him in college, and in his biography Where the Body Meets Memory he wrote about her, although the names are changed. But i figure the third event is rather unlikely so i say nothing.

I saw a woman recently wearing shoes that interested me greatly. They were red, leather with a wedge heel, but they were shaped rather like dancing shoes with laces on the instep like you would see on a ballet shoe. I wanted to ask her if she had made the same observation; and if she had been motivated to buy them because of their dance inspired design. But maybe she didn't notice. Maybe she didn't care. I didn't ask. But i still want to know what meaning, if any, those shoes contained for her. Maybe in the future i should ask more questions. Maybe soon i will see a forced smile, a bewildered look, a half-step backward from an old or a new friend.


3.10.2003



Endgame



What would you like to discuss today?
i have an omitted anecdote from the "Keep the Aspidistra Flying" post. It goes like this:
I was in the fitting room (i have only recently aquiesced to the utility of fitting rooms) and as i was done trying on clothes, i put on my shoes and turned to leave. Except i wasn't wearing pants. Okay. Take off the shoes put on the pants, put on my coat, time to go. Wait i forgot to put on my shoes. Take off the coat, put on the shoes put on the coat, no wait i'm not wearing my shirt. Put on the shirt put on the coat, and now let's go.

"...Bush officials have tried to justify this war on the grounds that Saddam is allied with Osama bin Laden or will be soon. There is simply no proof of that, and every time I hear them repeat it I think of the Gulf of Tonkin resolution. You don’t take the country to war on the wings of a lie.”
-Thomas Friedman
of the New York Times (Feb.19)


well, of course you do. How else is it to be accomplished?

Will the International Atomic Energy Agency be forced to change it's acronym to I.E.A.E. in order to conform to the President's comments on Thursday, or perhaps we should call it the E.I.E.I.O.?

Is there some sort of aphasia going around that causes people who stand within the shadows of the White House to say the words "September 11" in every other sentence?

I didn't see the Clinton/Dole thing on 60 minutes, but it has occurred to me in the past week that i actually miss Bill Clinton. I miss his personality, his charisma, and his ability to speak english. I miss his aloof, push-button approach to military intervention. Well, at least the current President has said that American troops won't occupy Iraq longer than is necessary for Democracy to take hold there. Just like the Democracies of Japan, Germany, Italy, and South Korea, none of whom are subject to an American military presence today. Oh wait, nevermind.


3.06.2003



Donnie Darko



Whenever I see a movie or "cinematic object" either theatrically or home(ically), my entire life becomes about that movie until I see the next one. A couple of weeks ago I bought Donnie Darko on DVD which i had not seen and really didn't know much about, but I had heard it bandied about somewhere that it was worth a viewing and it was afterall $9.99 at Tower.

So now i am Donnie Darko. I have been for a couple of weeks. I went to read the Graham Greene story "The Destructors," which i had read in high school but had forgotten, because it's in the movie. I have now started reading Richard Adams' "Watership Down."
In the movie, Donnie is visited by a "six foot rabbit" who tells him the world is going to end. In one of the deleted scenes his english class is studying Watership Down.
This is not the sort of book i would ordinarily pick up to read. Typically, i read "serious" non-fiction, not novels about rabbits. I'm a little embarassed to carry it around.
At some point when i was a kid the movie version of Watership Down came on Tv. I had no idea what it was and i stopped to watch some cartoon rabbits when a gruesome fighting scene occurred. I had never seen cartoon animals fight and bleed and die and i was horrified.
So now i have returned to recover the trauma of my childhood. I need to go to the video store and get a new life.



Relationship of Command



Helen Thomas rocks. QED:



Q.Ari, since there is an atmosphere of the imminence of war in this White House, and since
we have no direct access to the President, will you state for the record, for the historical
record, why he wants to bomb Iraqi people?


MR. FLEISCHER: Helen, I dispute the premise of your question, first of all. There's regular --
there's regular access to the President. The President is asked questions all the time. And
when the President --


Q. He hasn't had a press conference for months.


MR. FLEISCHER: And when 14 of your colleagues spend 36 minutes asking scores of
questions to the President just two days ago --


Q. Well, that's not a news conference.


MR. FLEISCHER: -- they asked the President a similar question, although they phrased it a
little differently than you did. They asked the President why does he feel so strongly about
the need to use force, if it comes to that, to disarm Saddam Hussein. And the answer from
the President was that, given the fact that the world changed on September 11th, the
threat to the American people was brought immediately to our home and to our shores and
to our families, the President thinks it is in the interest of peace to make certain that
Saddam Hussein does not have weapons of mass destruction which he can use against us,
either by transferring them to terrorists or using them himself.


Q. There is no imminent threat.


MR. FLEISCHER: This is where -- Helen, if you were President you might view things
differently. But you have your judgment and the President has others.


Q. Why doesn't he prove it? Why don't you lay it out? When have they threatened in the last
12 years?


MR. FLEISCHER: They have attacked their neighbors. They have gassed their own people.


Q. Twelve years ago.


MR. FLEISCHER: They have launched attacks.


Q. With our support.


MR. FLEISCHER: And September 11th showed the United States is vulnerable to those who
would attack us. And one of the best ways to protect the homeland is to go after the
threats abroad.


Q. You haven't linked terrorism to Saddam Hussein, in terms of 9/11.


MR. FLEISCHER: It's not -- the threat is what took place on 9/11. You don't have to make a
direct linkage between Saddam Hussein and 9/11 to know that others who are planning can
try to do it again, Saddam Hussein included.

3.05.2003



Keep the Aspidistra Flying



This past Saturday, i did something i thought i would never do.
Saturday was "Community Day" at Carson Pirie Scott: for a five dollar donation that goes to local non-profits, you received a book of six coupons each for 20% off most store merchandise. Since i was at a participating non-profit on Saturday, as i am most Saturday's, i was able to acquire a coupon book directly from the source for a mere three dollars.
Now, whenever i encounter the retail industry, as all of us must do from time to time, i run into extraordinary difficulties deciding whether or not to purchase a particular item. There are several criteria for deciding these issues: do i want it? do i need it? does it have functional utility? does it have marginal utility? is it unique? can i afford it? am i trying to acquire objects in some futile attempt to compensate for emotional deficiencies? The criteria are clear enough, but the answers to these questions i always find to be so elusive. On Saturday, charitable coupons in hand, i dove right in. Sure, i equivocated a bit, but ultimately i shopped according to (somewhat mitigated) impulse. I bought two pairs of sunglasses: an amber tinted pair for casual dress and a black pair for... less informal dress. I bought an umbrella to replace the one i lost a week ago, a birthday gift for my mom, a sort of sport jacket but really it's a jacket jacket thing that i have no use for presently, and a pair of $90 dollar jeans. I remember when the whole Girbaud craze began when i was in High School or maybe before, and i couldn't believe that anyone would pay $80 for a pair of Girbaud jeans. But those jeans were ugly, and these by Kenneth Cole are unequivocally the most perfect pair of jeans i have ever owned. So have i now become what in my youth i once despised? I indulged my vanity at a cost of more than $200. And i still don't know if i satisfied all the retail criteria.

3.04.2003



In Search of Lost Time



And so well i'm a day behind here so yesterday's post will now appear tommorrow combined with what would have been today's post, and thursday's post will appear as scheduled, check your local listings for times in your area.
You will notice, won't you, that you can now leave comments on the site. Of course, i am abdicating a level of control. I have enjoyed being able to tell you in whatever manner i choose that, for example, Andy had this to say about Yasser Arafat's cuisine:

"I know it's sandwiches you're talking about...but what about a Yasser Arafat-Papa John's exchange? Do you think the leader of the Palestinian world would accept being put on hold? And can he put down an entire large one topping (with coupon) and a two-liter of A&W like me and Troy can? And then belch at Earth-shattering levels?"


My guess is that an Arafat belch would dwarf the efforts of any world leader.
At least since Margaret Thatcher is no longer in power. (Honorable mention to Helmut Kohl)
He also should be used to being put on hold. Although maybe he wouldn't tolerate being brushed aside by a pizza place like he is by Israeli Prime Ministers.

You see? I won't be able to do that anymore. But at least whomever of you there are out there will be able to interact with each other, and i'll respond to comments as i am able.
Also, the "Terrorism Anxiety Meter" is beginning to bore me, but i would like to seek out world opinion before doing away with it entirely. Here's a good way to practice leaving comments: should i keep the meter or not? Also the quotes will probably go whenever i come up with something to replace it.

Right now that Jimmy Buffet song: "Margaritaville" has found its way into my cerebellum. Where the hell did it come from? What kind of cruel existence is this? Where's my Messiah now, huh? Where's my Messiah now?

Hey, how many limbs does Ron Santo have to lose to get into baseball's Hall of Fame?
He's like that knight from Monty Python's Holy Grail. "Tis' but a scratch." One day they will induct one of the greatest torsos to ever play third base.
I should have written that last week. Now this is starting to read like one of Larry King's USA Today columns.


Ah... that's better. "Brian Wilson" by Barenaked Ladies.

Okay just to recap: Yesterday's post has been moved to today. Today's post will appear tomorrow, combined with tomorrow's regularly scheduled post. Thursday's post will appear as scheduled (on Thursday). Check the paper for showtimes.
And if you want to find me i'll be down at the sandbox playing my guitar and building castles in the sun whoa ooh whoa ooh whoa
and singing "Fun, fun, fun."