I have recently concluded that there may be a hidden benefit to being in the company of a vegetarian. Suppose, heaven forbid, you and your company find yourself in a situation not entirely unlike that of the Donner Party. Having vegetarians among your group simplifies the potentially tortuous decision of whom to cannibalize first. (But only as a last resort, of course.) Finding yourselves already unable to subsist on the land, the vegetarian has no dietary options. Further, someone who refuses, on whatever grounds, to eat beef is an unlikely candidate to partake in the consumption of human flesh. In all likelihood, weak from a lack of protein, the vegetarian will collapse on his own saving you the trouble of a gruesome and evil murder.
So do not shun the vegetarian. Keep him close. He may one day be your only salvation.

All right kids, it's time to get back to work.
Many of you are familiar with Goodreads. Well, recently I was notified by email that someone named John had sent me a message via Goodreads. I figured it was probably an administrator notice, but I clicked through anyway. It was from an instructor I had at NU.
It read:

"It's John [surname redacted], as you see, & I was gratified to discover your kind words about my [title redacted], here on Goodreads. I believe I remember who you are -- you stood out, really -- & I'd be happy to add you as a friend."

I didn't remember writing any book reviews on Goodreads, so I searched for the title in question to see what I had actually written. Here's what I wrote and what appears as the only review of this book on the Goodreads site:

"In his brief time as an Associate Professor at Northwestern University, John [surname redacted] had the pleasure of having me as a student in his fiction writing class."

Wow.
I'm a pompous ass.

And now, more selections from acb a cappella, in stores never.
Dust on the Window by Low (with a bad audio loop),
Lonesome Tears by Beck (with lots of overmodulation and bad harmonies--yum!),
The Kiss by Judee Sill (with unintelligible lyrics).

A brief list of people who need to go away:

Hillary Clinton:


Look lady, I'm sorry your coronation got hijacked by a better candidate. But it's time to stop throwing the plumbing fixtures and move on with your life. You have, remarkably, made the substantial portion of the population that already didn't like you achieve new, previously unimagined levels of loathing. ...And take your husband with you.

Robert Mugabe:


You vile, murderous, octogenarian despot. The enmity in my heart for you is so deep and profound that a portion of my capacity to love humanity is destroyed at the mere mention of your sickeningly continued existence. DIAF.

Juan Uribe:


I am convinced that whenever your swung bat collides with a pitched ball, such an event is a result of a startling coincidence rather than an intentional act. Every day that you are permitted to don a White Sox uniform, Nellie Fox rotates 45 degrees in his hallowed grave.