The Blueprint
I am hereby announcing officially my candidicy to be Viceroy of post-Saddam Hussein Iraq. Here is my five point plan for the Iraqi people:
- Removal of Saddam Hussein from Iraqi political life
It is vital to the functioning of Iraq after the fall of Saddam Hussein that Ba'ath Party political institutions, particularly its administrative infrastructure remain intact after the war. However, Saddam Hussein must go. If captured, he should be deported to the United States and immediately nominated for Attorney General, or failing that, Director of Homeland Security.
- Iraqi dissidents given important role in transitional Iraqi government.
Iraqi National Congress chairman Ahmed Chalabi should be given a key role in the reconstruction of Iraq. I would nominate him to be Minister of Tourism. "If you build it, they will come." Besides, nobody wants those INC guys anywhere near any real power, and this way Ahmed won't feel so left out.
- Independent Kurdistan
Yes the Kurds will finally get their own independent state. My plan is to take a chunk out of Turkey to create an area large enough to accomodate the Kurdish population in the region, but still geographically convoluted enough to keep Iraq's northern oil fields out of Kurdish control. We will conduct extensive consultations with Israeli cartographers for advice on mapping out such a territory.
- A Spokesman for the Iraqi People
Until such time as it would be viable to hold elections, the interests and concerns of the Iraqi people will be communicated to me buy that guy who did the Saddam Hussein translation voice over for 60 minutes. He has spoken for Iraqis before, and has excellent qualifications. And hey, ya gotta love the wacky accents.
- American-style democratic elections
New foreign investment coupled with the American money=speech equation should produce a detached, self-interested political class in Iraq fairly quickly. Soon, just like Americans, the Iraqis will have the freedom to choose between western educated elites, cast their votes for Pat Buchanan, and place oil industry insiders in the highest offices of government.
I would also strive to make significant reductions in the number of assasinations, dissapearances and political imprisonments. And I would do all of this without the help of the international community. Iraq, choose me as your next viceroy.
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